"Expectations to Acceptance"

This past week, I've caught myself saying (or at least thinking) something along the lines of “I expected you…”. It wasn’t sitting well as it was coming out of my mouth but since i had papers to finish, i didn’t have the energy or time to explore it further. Somehow, i sensed expectations and acceptance are connected. I asked in my journal: Are expectations undermining acceptance?

Today, i finally took the time for some musing on the question. One of the first things i stumbled on was a note that included a couple of wonderful quotes: “Expect nothing…Experience everything” and “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” That resonated. When i was able to let go my expectations of a person, i discovered to my delight that i was able to experience our interactions much more! And I certainly had carried around resentments when they hadn’t met my expectations! And I found a poem by Alice Walker that captured the same sentiment – it starts: “Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.”

Reading & musing a bit more, it became clear that expectations are undermining acceptance. But exactly how do they do that? Plus, aren’t expectations reflecting our needs? I had a need for support that wasn’t being met when my expectation wasn’t fulfilled. I realized quickly that there is a crucial difference: My expectations were tied to a person. My needs are not. I can meet my need for support from anybody, including myself. Sure it would have been nice to get it from the person i was expecting it from but when i didn’t, i could have gone out and met the need differently (instead of getting angry…). And this is where expectations are tied to acceptance as well. When we expect someone to do something for us and they don’t, we tend to demand that they are a different person than they are. Life happens. Things change. And things are usually not as we expect them. Jumping up and down and demanding that things are differently won’t change a thing. We are not accepting reality.

So, this is how expectations undermine acceptance: As long as i have an expectation, i put the onus on the other person, the future, reality or all of the above. I am certainly not in the present. As long as i do that, i do not accept the way things are! And i most assuredly won’t get my needs met because i will not be in a place to ask for support (or whatever needs aren’t met). I will demand that things are as i expected them to be! Letting go of my expectations and accepting the way things are, brings me to a place where i can discover my unmet need(s). Then i can figure out ways (or strategies) to meet that need. And those strategies might be completely different than i had expected…

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